I haven't forgotten about this place, in all actually I have been doing much in life as I have been doing here, just observing, remembering, and not forgetting others as well.

My University life is behind me now, and this new one is something of just a path I will enjoy as life offers, however I decided to post this in case people would ever wonder, what has happened, or what IS....would be the more important

I am happy.... I have now secretly been under projects of music creation and also other creations. I have been working with groups that have assisted me well and have been putting on shows in distant parts of Canada and the United States for benefit and most importantly, for the passion of the musical realm and the curious exploration of my skills life has given...

however...

my path has made me turn my eyes elsewhere for the moment, and put my music "in my pocket" as one would say in blunt terms, I have felt the world has given me so much, and I have taken so much from it, sometimes with and without understanding...
I have accepted an offering, to assist with helping orphans across the oceans to Africa, I never realized how an education would send me to such an wicked oppurtunity (besides a system desk job bleh). My eyes have forever changed now in curious awe and wonder of how life will be... but all I know for now is that I am happy, smiling gladdly each day knowing that I will soon be off, and making a difference. I will be gone for a few months, and hope only to return with the same smile, but behind that, a more understanding and experience  in life

I am not hear to gloat, nor to ask for well wishes (though a part of me can't deny the sense of feeling loved :P)  , I only wish to say, that even though our lives have crossed, wither in life...perhaps not at all, just through internet we have met, bu in either case, we have met, that when I come back....I hope to make something more, stronger, truer (I don't deny I haven't been doing so otherwise....) and mend, and create more then ever, I hope to dance, laugh, tell stoies, and so much more then I can even realize after this post has been posted...

If you wish to be in touch, I will respond to emails here,

I am to understand that I will have access to internet on variable occasions, so I will try my best to see how everyone is doing... and shout to those that have taken the time to do so. If you are curious to my works and pieces, feel feel free to look me up on the web, my songs can be heard from here

It is another story I wish to tell in how I have decided to be known as the artist  Digital Kharma, however it is for another story another time

Alot has happened to me over the past year, stuff of destruction, lost, and then rise and determination, and a pursuit of happiness to all ends, I can only hope to return and hope you all are happy, and continuing on this life with a sense of....anything :)

Peace and Love friends, till next time, I am on my way ,

love always

CJ Etherington

P.S. I left a poem behind for those of you interested in my words of mind and spirit

(my last entry for awhile)

You look around when your spirits eyes finally clear, and realize the ashes and mess left behind... in your wake of bottled up memories and chained up "kindness and understanding" can do in a blindness of pain and saddness...

when arising, you realize what is left around you, is your friends, loved ones, and the things that you built yourself.

I should be proud... I have traveled afar, seen so many exotic and domestic people of wonder, I have been given oppurtunities to show my music, to feel the intimacies of teaching, to make and quest for my own regalia, to dance in honour of my ancestors to the pow-wows, to have great friends, to have moments where time doesn't exist, to have seen the oceans, to run and laugh with others, to be beisde a fire mesmerized by its power, to run into the night not knowing what it will bring, to have my senses, to know the wonder of taking a pee after holding it in for so long, the tastes of my cooking (cause its a secret hobby I love to say is an art in my life), to have beautiful and talented people, from famous to serine, they all have qualities I admire....to the amazing people i shared in love and the moments with the lovers in my life, (thankful for each moment in the purest i assure you), to have my degree from University, to finish this year actually with all the misfortunes I couldn't control... and so much more

I have alot... I built myself into a person I know that can look at others and quietly live my life in pride in myself, bliss in my essense, and blood to make a heritage strong for another generation...

Sometimes we fall, but we only fall so far, before realizing after the fires and all that is burned around you is in ash, those left standing, you smile back, and say with care, thank you. And to those that stand with scars from you, you can only say sorry and hope that in time... I can make it up to them.

I still have a battle I cannot control around me, but I cannot let it consume me anymore...

Its not what we do in life that makes us who we are, but how each moment we live them by that makes us become what we will...

I have found out that a man can travel the world in riches and loves of shells of beauty, but one boy can have a moment in his life just as equal when he hears that perfect music, or that perfect fun time with someone, or a clarity of understanding... its not what you do... but the moment you take in...

I have to go back to that way again...simple... and no need to dress it up...

My home was once just trees and water... I have to remember that always... its gonna be a long journey yet, and its something to understand , its acceptance that is the important in the choice... and for that, i have alot to do


this is the forests near my cabin... very soon I will start a project there since i will inheriet acres of my grandfathers land, his cabin as shelter, and the falls near by as natureful bliss... I will propose others to join me next spring if the project goes through, for a organic and sustainable communtity, farming, fishing, another cabin for others, etc etc...more will come

all I am is up and down, getting mean mesasges and giving mean ones back, I'm gonna be silent, this is my last entry here for a long long time

Okay, so work never emailed me yet and I'm in the clear, I just got back last night from a crazy night of hitch hiking... ugh

I will be on campus today to drum on the sunny weather and warming up! Come and risk it if ya want to join me and break out into the first drum circle of the year...

I will be there at noonish times if anyone is intersted

Broken

Lying down in bottles of broken dreams...
Cut, scared...
Noone dares to enter this world, not would anyone want to
I sure as hell didn’t...

As I sit here with my mom... I cried knowing that she too, broke...
I come from a broken family and even to say a broken people...
I can see why this cycle consumes, abuses and spits at us so easily,
it eludes us like a bad dream, gets me every morning in a hollow chest

I don’t belong here, noone deserves to be
But then I see the world... and I cannot hide it with words or charity
it to is broken as a dream once made by a mother of it all
I sometimes lie in shelters, beside broken men surviving off charity
and other peoples smiles and food, but the world still doesn’t understand...
They need love and a spirit that can say its okay...

I once felt like a healer not to long ago,
but now the same posion that I once wanted a dream to heal over,
has consumed me... just like my mom with her heavenly smile once did
but now its gone, just like me slowly losing myself to that same world...

I lie here now...is this a nightmare? I wish it was so simple to say...
I see so much suffering within and around me,
I make others happy, I’m supposed to heal, dream and live in her ways
but right now the dream is shrouded, my eyes clouded
and I lie here... with the last of my love for the moment
with the last of my love at all....
Dream me another day when smiles will come again...

**********************************************************

Have fun at Naissance tonight everyone, wish I was more apart of the community and love of it all

I have a few offerings lately to finally offer me some light on my fallen hours, on March 30th I'll be playing for Trent...  and gonna have to start doing more fires and drum circles, even  though I am alone at them, I don't care anymore, I do what I want to do, I can't fuss or whine, I just want to be my fire and drums, I am slowly going away now, and would realize that going back to simplicity is all I am gonna be...

One day I will have a community, someone to love, someone to care for the earth and return to the woods with me...

in a year I will be back to the cottage, my gardens, my fish, my own place in the forests... and anyone is welcome, I have good reason to know that I will be the first to go...

Fears.... it started it all, consumed my mom, myself, and blinded others, and it hurt... now its no more, no more

A few months in Africa, some in Thailand teaching, and the rest in British Columbia working at Ceeds (http://www.jnweb.com/ceeds/)
before I go back to my cabin...or maybe this might all fall through, all it is, is what life gives to me now..

I'll be back this weekend, its hard, I don't know how I'm still doing this all... but also reasons why I am broken and not at all of who I am anymore

It was nice to see everyone last night.... its been so long...

to cold to hitchike, saved up the last scravages for a bus ticket...

Damn...it took me an hour to type my last entry and it just dissapeared....

I sit here on nights alone in these white walls and white sheets in the hospital, where I hear people crying and in pain around me, I and my laptop are my only means of keeping me sane at times

I would sometimes hear footsprints coming down the hallway and i was hoping that it would be a friend.... but its just a sweet nurse asking me if everythings ok... I gusss i could leave anytime i wanted sooner with a prescription, but I think i stayed cause i was cared for once, and someone listen to me in person... to talk too... but I felt usless still...

 until work finally messaged me today and so i checked out and came to work cause i finally felt useful. And in my day, i finally bumped into a friend that has a huge heart, Julia. She is my savior yet I never want to take advantage of that.... she gave me the first hug in weeks I so craved for. She was also one of my first friends i have seen in weeks too... it was nice to feel some love even for a brief moment...

I cried all my nights in the hospital, as they fed me pills in which i never wanted to take, i took the morphine ones to put myself to sleep , but as for the others, i toss them away, I am not gonna become a mindless zombie with these artificial healers.... but then again i do have an artificcial and modern pains inside me, nothing that even my own traditions can't help me as of lately.  It makes me sadder that the one dream i had to help my poeple, the same poisons is slowly capturing me and I am struggling so hard to get away from it. i cried each night cradling myself and then knowing, what am i gonna tell my mom?

I will be hungry when i see her, but i am going. i will be staying at a shelter there, and be by her side anytime visiting hours are open at the hosptial, i will tell her sories of everything i did and she missed in my life...they say they can still hear you when they sleep like that, so i will be there holding her hand... telling her all her son is...and will be strong for her.... we both are broken people from a broken people that consumed and lost... and we were once smiling people with lots of life... now we are dying like the world predicts huh... but she will still have me till the end.

My mom is flying, my brother is slowly getting better, my dog got ashed on the shores of lake superior, my dad is gone, my friend is resting peacefully, in time... things will settle and become better

I will hitchike there and back...

I don't know what to do tonight, maybe go home and lie down, read, and wait for a message or phonecall from someone that wants to do something I guess since i am free from all responsibilties for awhile...

I will soon write happier entries again.... maybe from a month from now, maybe from the island this summer from now, maybe from a different part of the world, my organic farm in BC, or in my cottage up north next spring...

anyways.... I'm also sorry to those of you i hurt along with my own pain, that has blinded me and lashed out... remember me for who i was, a smile the size of the sun and a heart always full... Im sorry

Peace and love

damn this was so long

I guess theres a first time for everything... for me, its being called down by a detective to the police station...

I guess someone lied and told information about the police about me... someone that I would say, is a rat in my life. I don't need rats, I mean I love life recklessly but nothng that I thought the law wouldn't be anywhere close to be involved... and why? I have no criminal record, nor will I have the intent to have one. EWveryone knows I am not a guy with a mean bone in my body...

I know I'm vague about what happened, but I feel what happened to me was outta spite and the feelings from me are betrayal... and immature actions to just retaliate if anything... its not nice at all.

So I'm clear, they talked to me for a long time and they seem to like me and one of the detectives said "hes got his life straight and true, no way hes the guy"... I smiled and laughed saying "Thanks...I know who I am" They gestured and shook my hand and said everythings okay, then I left...

but still it hurts.... especially through what io am going through now, its not appropriate to hurt me more so... I think I will just be a hermit till I leave the city lol

I know some of you read my LJ and never respond, but yet you still tell me you read it, thank you...even though its personal, I won't change my words or ideas for anyone watching, even those that are seperating from me...or seperated

I am going to see my mom, she is forever my mom and I want to be there for her... I have no real means but will hitchike the best I can...

damn... she has a way with words still

as I lie sick here in bed for the day, I am worried and scared of something that just came in from a phone call, wish I wasn't so vague... but I might need a friend tonight if thtings turn......into the hole

I wish drama never got into my life....should just be a hermit for the rest of the year to make it avoid me

but then again, this phone call found me

Maybe some of you may or may not understand this, maybe its music language in another world, but I feel upset about it and can't say stand back and say nothing anymore...

I feel like I have been trying really hard to keep a community together in the Trance world in Peterborough... some of you might find it silly, but I do believe that. I try really hard to keep it alive here since Vince and Will left... I know I'm not as talented as them, however I feel I am good enough to play monthly shows to keep the community together... I feel my heart is pure in its intent if anything

I just feel left out since this naissance business is coming up, a beautiful community of people and I feel left out, noone has asked me of anything, and even from my last show I donated half my funds for the naissance show, and noone even said thank you.... at least a thank you would be greatful. I feel like why even bother to keep the work from my being into a community if I get this kind of ....

I don't know, I hope its gonna be great, I'm supporting them in my own way, and did the best I could, now they are community away from me on this one, and I decided to go into the highlands that night and camp out and contimplate and be who I am... and move on to my next show hoping that energies will still be alright...

So as my year is growing, so to is my heart and support for the grassroots of the community. So in support of that, my next show will be in support of the Seasoned Spoon, love the place... they also offered me a contract to be a web master along with Ashley Marshal, should be nice...

The show is not exactly dated, me and Jon are saying roughly around mId march, Friday the 16th I'm assuming, but yeah, making drawings for posters, designing them with my new adobe photoshop in candlelight with music and wine in hand is rather nice to do right now... my other poster in the works, the original drawing is in my photo album in the sketch album... inspired by Sommer and her one dress I always found beautiful and inspiring in both dance classes and out of class

below is one of my ideas unfolded... hope the community grows as I am gonna try really hard to bring more light to my shows




Oh and also some intersting things are unfolding, I am officially done my thesis for this year done! AND ITS EARLY TOO! Did a good job I can feel it too... so more time for myself and less worries, something really by suprise took me a day ago lol, I am not the dating type at all, however I had to make an exception for the ever so beautiful Jen, lol, her and I TAed for years...no way can I say no to this face, laugh and spirit!

love the smell of fire on the clothes...

think I'll do it more often

hey guys, tired of being indoors as of lately, want to know a wicked place and chill out during the day by the rushing river waters, under alot of cedars, and by a fire going on all day? the come and join me the fire maker, CJ on saturday day to just chill, read, music and just relax and get out of the city...well on the edge of the city

Dirrections:

Go to Trent, take the back of the Champlaign parking lot on the west bank, go all the way back till you hit a trail, take it, might have to rough it (bundle up friends no matter how nice of a day it is), stick to the trail heading north into the forest for at least a 20 minute walk, should be nice, pass a hydrodam, stick to the closest traill to the river, follow it north still, till you enter a bushline, see a picnic table, look around, I should be around there... some of you know this place, we usually meet there, some of you don't...so there is the irections, its quite easy

starts at noon, ends at 7-8ish... bring food and drinks, i will be making tea and maybe some bannock on a stick

its during the day, come and get out of the city for awhile and join me by a fire

so yeah, I feel better today, I went out to armour hill one day, snowboarded and made a fire, Opal came to join me... I feel very confused yet serine around her... she still loves me yet pushed me away in the most silent and mature way... and yet when she still looks at me, her eyes have never changed.. I can't play these games if there is any, which I know she would never... but recently I am starting to question your intentions, love me or hate me, but don't confuse me okay

but the fire was nice, and we had a good time non the less.

I have had fun with Kim as of lately, we are getting friendlier, and same with rebecca... I feel good that I am reaching out to new faces and friends, breaking bubbles and not making any new ones, not till I'm out of peterborough for a few months, the yeah, should be a nice, and I think it will do wonders for my spirit to step out and be on the island for awhile...

tommorow I hope to go on a bit of a roadtrip, then check out Jay and sommer at le haciendas for the bluesfestival, then having a late night chat with Jenn Cole...god shes so beautiful...well alot of my friends are... I feel more quiet these days, more serine and true to myself though and feel alright... I feel like a closet case but I don't have to hide behind it for excuses... I am finshing my school this year, and then yeah...

funny thing is even though I am just about done my thesis, and also feel like things in my life are going well, I don't have any sense of accomplishment, I want to strt applying to the world, not learn about it anymore, school is wonderful place to teach but I want to start getting ym hands dirty. So here it is, long shot of a plan, but I feel it

next year I will sell all my material possesions and just simply travel the world, helping people, and learning the simplistics of life, and once I am done, I will come back ... but yeah... its time for me to choose my battlefield of choice...and my pateince and life is telling me things now that I need to keep moving.

Julia... I love you... I'm so sorry about the fire extinguisher incident... its a story to laugh for ina bit I bet.

so yeah, roadtrip startin my day, with becks, shes so awesome

its erie...to be in between worlds... waiting quietly and praying... praying like I never have for loved ones before... yet I can't go... why? argh...

wait, live, breath... thats all I can do for now

today is the day I cry out for a friend trully, out of the times lately in my life, I am in such deep pain.... so very deep right here and now, its unbearable

mom...I love you....

alot of people complain that this town is losing its grassroots fun in the scene and I must admit, I am trying very hard to get things organized to keep such primal and "hippy" (lol) type scenes, however it seems that its hard to get support... its a challenge, but I'm not giving up, everyone was used to grassroots over the years, now that us prganizers of such things are out in the city, its hard...I have not seen any new faces from trent in the past year to these shows... we need something big

tonight is it... my biggest one, and maybe my last if the energies fail me... please don't get drunk, feel bad about yourselves, and run away

does anyone own the seven year itch?

god I want to go back in time tonight, ella fitzgerald, my love!

so in order to support the Trance scene in the local area, I've decided to give Naissance half my profits from my next show

mind you this Dj still has to eat and pay bills, or else I would be giving it all to them eh ;)

Haha, awww, so Julia came by yesterday to give me some awesome blueberry tea and had a nice lil chat and cuddle... thank you.

I ended up going out to the hill that night, even though my friends decided to go out dancing with their lil hearts on the line at the Trash, they musta had fun, I just went out snowboarding into the night, the snow was so beautiful and awesome last night. I had a sidekick, Tom, and his GT, we had so much fun and we musta bruised up our bodies and put ourselves in dangerous situations that got our adreniline pumping, that it felt so alive...and the stars were a nice touch... we just sat on top of the hill looking down...pondering... relaxed, and then...racing, which I won by the way.

I am realizing that I am waking up feeling lonely, but not in the sense of a relationship, but in a sense of a whole of things. Just... yeah. Theres no real way to say it... I just finsihed an intense phone call with my mom, she wants me to visit her...I said I will...

I have to start getting used to having more time to myself, if I am to clean up my act and realize that my lifestyle has changed, its something I have to accept.

I have a knot in my stomach, like this seems to still be an unfair battle in all ends for me, but life was never fair and I can only do what I do the best I can.

The sun is out, I need to poster some more for my show tommorow, that is something that makes me really happy... my show, my music... god I can't wait to see everyone, class first though, and then some new dance project group to have a focus group with, should be intersting

oh my god! I made the best tasting tea today out of my entire life! I have to remember what I did and how to do it again!

haha maybe all the love displaced for valentines day went into my tea

I guess alot of people never realize how important my music is to me... and being a DJ is far more then a person who just plays one song after another... there is much more.

To me, this is my passion, an art form I can offer the world. I entered the DJ world by just jumping into the scene, just jumping in, and even though there is nothing wrong with that, its like a random dancer entering the circle that explodes but noone trully knows or has no clue to his intentions... or simply put, an artist that never signed his name on any of his painting, but without my story, without a true storytelling ability to tell those who both came to my shows and supported me that this, when behind the table, is who I am.

To those that believed in me, thank you... it seems that somehow, you people knew that all along...

in the past few shows, I have lost that storytelling ability and passion for connecting to such things, and with that, a form of darkness came to my music and my scene, and that I couldn't have.... but I couldn't just give up either.... and what crazy timing that my one year anniversary since I first just jumped onto the scene of music, that I offically am saying what my music is and what it means to me...

Alot of the music you hear is remixed or even on occasion made completely by me, its what art I can do well and share with the world... I have gone back to the simple of things and made more tribal beats... but even my more intense trance is completely happy, and I hope others when they hear it, will think so to, and feel it when they dance.

My name Smoke, my Tribe is The Peterborough Underground Tribe, and thank you

This Friday, my heart, my esswense, and storytelling will be more then you ever seen and if you wanna just dance or just watch, I would greatly appreciate it from all I am, besides, more dancers, the more I mix and the more I release like an artist exploding on a canvas.